It’s time for us to get better at setting healthy boundaries!
I feel like I spent most of my thirties unlearning toxic habits and then learning to set healthy boundaries. It’s been challenging for me, but thanks to my therapist, I’m finally starting to notice my growth and how I’ve been showing up for myself by setting healthy boundaries and honoring them.
Why is setting healthy boundaries so important?
When I first started on my self-care journey, I realized that one of the main factors contributing to my stress was not having boundaries in place. I’ve been good at shutting people out or separating myself from them, but that was a toxic practice that would make me prematurely sever people from my life. Having relationships with people I love is important to me so I had to figure out how to set boundaries in those relationships.
Setting boundaries forces me to have difficult conversations, share my feelings, and say no when something doesn’t work for me. It also helps me give people in my life to do the same and express what works for them. This even includes my children, who I encourage to set healthy boundaries too.
Photo Credit: Adelaide Chantilly Photos
Say what you mean and mean what you say!
It’s hard to set boundaries when you don’t always speak your truth! I had a professor in grad school who always said, “Say what you mean, and mean what you say!” and he would follow that up with, “Most people don’t.” At the time, I understood what he meant, but until I started trying to establish my boundaries, I realize that this practice isn’t easy and most people really don’t. I found that people were happy when I didn’t establish boundaries with them but were quick to set their boundaries. This would cause me distress, but I’ve learned to express myself even when it feels weird so that I can be my full self.
Boundaries on social media
One of the things that I’ve realized over the years is that people are a bit more daring on social media than in real life. They will overstep your boundaries in ways that they would never in real life. Setting boundaries on social media for me includes unfollowing, blocking, deleting disrespectful comments, and letting people know I’m not seeking unsolicited advice (many people don’t understand the concept of venting), muting, or deleting the apps from my phones.
Also, it’s important to keep your boundaries consistent in real life and online.
Remember setting healthy boundaries will improve your life.
Setting boundaries will be hard at times, especially with your loved ones but keep in mind that you will improve your life and overall happiness. Sometimes we have to do difficult things to get to live the way we desire.
Healthy boundaries will make you a better mom, partner, friend and family member.
Adanna Dill
Also, don’t be one-sided! Encourage your friends and family to set boundaries too, so everyone will be happy.
13 ways to improve your wellness routine as a working Mom.
Why is taking care of others so much easier than taking care of ourselves? I try to remind myself that I need to care for myself the way that I care for my three children. I cater to their every need and sometimes that leaves me with no energy for myself. That’s why I’ve focused over the last few years on I focus on a realistic wellness routine for moms like myself. I shared some of my self-care rituals earlier this year and now I want to share a realistic wellness routine for busy working moms. Here are a few things we can implement into our lifestyle to improve the quality of our bodies, mind and overall wellbeing.
Movement aka Exercise
Last night, I attended an event here in New York City where Tonya Lewis Lee, the executive producer of She’s Gotta Have It spoke on wellness, motherhood, and entrepreneurship. She shared with us that she has focused on making her body “army fit” by exercising four days a week (don’t worry even she falls off the bandwagon at times when life gets busy) but one thing that struck out to me was her explaining that even when her children were little and needed more of her she prioritized taking care of herself so she could take care of them and be physically strong enough to pursue her goals full force once they were older. She suggested that we make small lifestyle changes like going for a walk instead of going out to eat or drink.
I stretch daily and exercise around twice a week these days, I would like to get up to three or four days a week because I feel so much more confident, happier and strongest when I’m exercising regularly.
Meditation
I love meditating! You might have remembered me taking my first meditation class back in September and since then I’ve done a few more and meditate on my own almost daily. It really centers me and I can literally feel the stress leaving my body when I do it. My favorite meditation that I’ve tried so far is sound meditation and I even did a sound bath that at an event my friend curated late last year.
Establish Boundaries.
The first time I heard of boundaries as a wellness tool was listening to the Hey Girl podcast. I can’t recall the exact episode but it made so much sense to me immediately. Everyone doesn’t deserve to be given access to our entire life. Creating boundaries helps us to feel safer and to protect our energy which is really important. When I was younger, I would cut people out of my life but as I’ve matured I realized that is toxic and doesn’t end problems or the stress. I can just create boundaries in our relationship. Once you establish boundaries your days will be less stressful.
Create a preventative plan.
Taking time to learn our family’s health history and then creating a preventative plan to protect our bodies is important. For instance, both of my maternal grandparents had diabetes and I had gestational diabetes while pregnant with my oldest child. I learned that chia seeds can control blood sugar so I started adding it to my water an smoothies. I also using moringa regularly which protects our bodies from a long list of diseases.
Journal or video journal.
Whether you write or video journal (I do both), getting your thoughts out of your head is really important and should be part of your daily wellness routine. When you start feeling yucky feelings like envy and anger get it out of your body immediately. Try to determine why you’re feeling that way and how you could change your life so you don’t experience that feeling again. A few years ago, if I ever felt gross after gossiping I would close my eyes and visualize myself asking the person to forgive me. Doing this always helps me to immediately clear my energy whenever I’m in that situation.
Drink Water and mind your business.
Minding your business will cut down on jealousy feelings and gossiping and will help you to achieve your goals fast plus you will have more time to drink more water and be healthier.
Therapy.
We all have crap that we need to work through whether it’s from our childhood, relationships, career etc. the best way to not have it affect our health in the long term is to address it all through therapy. As many of you know I’ve been to therapy before and I am a big advocate for mental health care since it’s just as important and our physical health.
Use your time wisely.
Social media could suck us in for hours but using our time to bond with our loved ones is much better for our wellness. I know this is weird coming from a blogger since social media is how I connect and share my journey with my community but it’s important to connect intentionally and then log off. Instagram now gives you the option to get an alert when you’re on the app for over a certain period of time that you can select and some smartphones track your social media usage which is helpful.
Have a spiritual practice.
Whether you participate in religion or not, you need to have a daily spiritual practice that you can use to center yourself. Personally, I pray every morning which makes me feel good.
Join a likeminded tribe.
Hanging out with people with similar interests and goals would make you feel energized on a daily basis. Having friends who you can try new yoga classes with or who can share healthy recipes will make your wellness journey a little easier.
Listen to your body.
The fascinating thing about our bodies is that they let us know exactly what they need when we’re listening. If your body is tired then sleep if your body craving greens eat them if your body needs to move then dance or exercise. Also, when you body is ill, get the best care you can for it.
Keep track of triggers.
We all would prefer not to remember any of our past traumas, but we usually get triggered when we least expect it with many times not realizing what the trigger is. Determining what our triggers are can be helpful for us to avoid them. Write down a list of possible triggers and then avoid them as much as you can. Maybe even tell your close friends and family so they can help.
Be honest with yourself about your energy.
The fact that many people seem to not realize they have negative energy (or they are the negative energy) shows how unaware many of us are of negativity in our lives. Be honest with yourself so you can make your energy brighter, clearer and improve yourself in the process.
How have you done to improve your wellness routine?
I’m on my 8thyear as a parent and I have to say that I’m learning that my kids need more than love, a good education, nutritious meals, socialization, weather appropriate clothing, extracurricular activities etc. Those things are necessary, but my kids also need tools to help them through life’s challenges, and stressors. I started introducing them to mindfulness activities over the past few years and it’s been great for them. I’ve been more deliberate this year about mindfulness and practicing self-care as a family. This weekend, we took a meditation class together and it’s safe to say we’l be adding meditation to our daily routine. Here’s the thing, I only learned about mindfulness as an adult and it’s so important to my overall wellbeing that I’m teaching my children while they’re kids. I want it to be an integral part of their self-care routine by the time they become adults. I think as a woman of color, it’s especially important for me to teach my children self-care at a young age, it’s armor for them. Here are a few mindfulness activities for kids that you can add to your family’s routine too:
Gratitude
Back in the spring, I decided to ask my kids one night at bedtime to share one thing they’re happy for and one thing they thankful for that day. Since then it’s become part of our nightly routine before we say our prayers, if I forget they would remind me. I’ve listened to my children celebrate each on many nights as they up on each other’s list, I listened to them express gratitude for friendships, experiences, family and it fills my heart every night. This exercise is powerful, and I hope they continue doing it for the rest of their lives.
Meditation
As I mentioned earlier, we attended a family mediation class together hosted by Tropicana Kids at MNDFL and it was exactly what we needed to feel centered. Personally, I started meditating around the time I was pregnant with my son (I had tried it a few times as a teenager, thanks to all the references to it in reggae music). I started with guided meditations. If you’re new to meditating, guided meditations are a great way to start if you can’t find a class in your area or don’t want to attend one, there are now apps like Calm, Headspace and Buddify. You can watch tons of YouTube videos and there are books like Dan Rather’s Meditation for Fiddety Skeptics. Meditation is a really good mindful activity for kids to practice, the earlier they’re introduced to it, the better.
ps: NYC moms, MNDFL has an excellent school program, you can learn more about it or request they bring it to your kids school here.
My daughter making the mind jar.
Mind Jar
One of the things we did at our mediation class was to create a mind jar to explain to kids how our brain works and how we can calm it. We added water and glitter to the jar and shake it up. The glitter went all over which showed the kids how scattered our thoughts are when we aren’t mindful and then how it settles when we’re calm. This is a fantastic activity for kids as they’re very visual.
Deep Breathing
One thing I admire about my son is that, at only 5 years of age. He’s very aware of his needs. Whenever he needs to clear his brain, he practices deep breathing. Sometimes we do it together, and other times he does it alone.
Affirmations and Power Posing
I shared before that every morning I do affirmations and power posing with my kids before they leave for school. I was inspired to start this when Amy Cuddy shared all about the power of power posing at Cosmopolitan Fearless Female conference a few years ago.
Coloring and Art
Coloring is wonderful mindful activity! My daughter and I both have coloring books and she loves spending time coloring all of the
Essential Oils
This is an area where I would like to invest my time into learning more this year. I have an essential oil blend that helped me with my anxiety throughout my pregnancy and post-partum period. I use lavender in our home at night to get the kids calm before bed, but I would like to add more essential oils to our routine in the next few months.
What mindfulness activities do you practice with your children?
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