I started to writing this post and deleted a few times because of fear. Yes, fear that terrible feeling that constantly gets in my way of doing just about everything that I really want to do. I am slowly fighting through just overcoming my fears one at a time. So where should I start with this one?
I love to draw.
Yes, I love drawing and when I was a child I imagined myself as an adult doing nothing but drawing all day. If you’re reading this and you knew me before I was 17 years old, you’ll probably remember me constantly drawing and filling up my notebooks and drawing books.That’s what I did all day and night and I even won some awards and an international competition. However, once I graduated from high school at 16, I stopped.
Why? Because I felt confused, scared and overwhelmed about the life I was now in charge of “creating” for myself. As a creative person, I was concerned to the point of my detriment that if I followed my heart I would end up broke, hungry and “unsuccessful.” Besides, I self-sabotaged a few times when I had opportunities to make a career drawing, like when I applied to Fashion Institute of Technology but didn’t include my portfolio because I was scared that my skills wouldn’t measure up to other applicants.
But you know what I’ve experienced in the last few years? Like Steven Pressfield, author of The Art of War explained on OWN’s Super Soul Sunday “the pain of not doing it became greater than doing it.” The pain got more intense during my pregnancy with my son, a time when I experienced some self-growth. Something inside told me that it was time to start back drawing but when my pencil hit the paper, I wasn’t proud of my work. I felt like after all those years, it wasn’t like a bicycle I couldn’t just start off where I left off. I found myself slightly embarrassed and extremely subconscious of my work.
The embarrassment led to me hoarding my work and not sharing even with those closest to me. But lately, I realized that makes it harder for me, I still feel as if I am not creating because I am not sharing.
So, I’ve decided that the best way to overcome this fear is to share. Everyone may not like my work and that’s okay because we all have different tastes and preferences. I want to share where my work is today and where my work will be one year and five years from today. Beyond that, I want to use this blog to share something even more personal that I’ve never shared before even as a child, my characters stories. You see every character that I have drawn since I was three years old has a story. I just think it’s unfair to only share the visual image without the background.
Since I am divulging so much on this topic I wanted to add another tidbit. Last January, I started to write a comic series called “Rattled” for this blog, I worked on it diligently for a few months but eventually I backed out because of you know – good old fear. I wanted to publicly share this because I want to make myself accountable to I finish the projects that I start and to stop holding on to everything that I create in fear of others not liking it.
I guess just writing this post was cathartic because I feel much lighter and a bit closer to who the true authentic Adanna is supposed to be.
I want you to join me on my journey to get past this fear, create and share. I know you’re probably a perfectionist and you can’t let the world into your “behind the scenes” but I promise this is a judgement free zone. Let’s do it together and support each other!
Share a fear you want to overcome and how you plan to do it.